I began this blog to chart my journey and to share my experiences with others as I attempt to come to terms and explore this new life style with my wife.
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A Good Return
It has been a long hard road getting here. To be honest I was seriously worried about ever getting to this point in my life with all that we have gone through. I am now happy to say that we are both poly.
It was not easy and I feel the need to document some of the major events that lead to us on our journey to achieve this goal that my wife set out for us those many months ago.
I will be doing that in the upcoming posts. I will try and keep it in chronological order but that is no guarantee because as the fancy hit me I will be posting some of our new challenges.
That is because I know that while we have gotten past so many hard parts as we started this progression from mono to poly I am also aware that we are human and will make mistakes and find that we still have a long ways to go in our search for love and understanding.
I hope you will continue to join me as I bring you up to date and thank you for your patience in my long hiatus from this journal.
tcactus asked: hi. we follow each other's blogs (mine is proudpoly) i wanted to say that your posts are honest & probably not easy to post but there are those of us who appreciate your efforts. the situation u've described is difficult. (you've used the term"bombshell"-its very apt) so i guess i'm writing to say that i hope u're doing well & that you're able to find a place of comfort and contentment w/things. it is hard. i'm struggling myself at times. sometimes unsure if its worth it. hope it is for you two
It has been a long road but we have finally gotten past so many trials. As of now we are both poly and I have undertaken my first sub who is exploring her new world of being owned by her master.
My wife has finally found a secondary that she loves and I respect for his forthright attitude and his respect towards me and our relationship.
It has been a long hard road that has forced me to stop writing for a while but now that I am in a better place I plan on taking up this blog once more to chronicle what has happened and where we now are.
Thank You for your message!
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Back to the Issue of Trust
My wife of 11 years came to me last month with what I have been calling “The Bombshell” about us opening up our marriage. It has rocked both of our worlds to the core and we have been dealing with it ever since.
Until that night I had never even heard of the word Polyamorous. I have been reading lots of material online along with suggested books like “The Ethical Slut” and the book my wife just finished called “Opening Up”.
Trust. This was the buzz word of our therapy session last night. I betrayed her trust by violating her privacy. That invasion of privacy has caused many problems for both of us and it is still affecting us to this day. Even when we have good intentions or do not intend to invade our partners privacy, the repercussions of such an action can be extremely harmful to a relationship.
I invaded her privacy twice, one intentionally and the second by chance.
The Roller Coaster Week
It has been a tough week with many ups and downs.
The hardest part is that we have not gone a single day without having a serious discussion about our relationship. I am happy to say that we seemed to be making progress this week.
That fell apart tonight when we hit a subject that hit a raw nerve with her and became an issue that both of us felt we were in the right and we could not seem to find common ground.
Hard to find a compromise when each of us were trying so hard to get our point across and the other person still did not agree.
As usual the disagreement was centered around her potential partner. He has been the subject of most of our discussions this last week. I say discussions because she made a serious effort to come to terms with her anger and to start talking and listening to me and my feelings and concerns. While we did have a serious discussion every single day we were able to end each one on a positive note till tonight.
sir-mattypants asked: so im reading along and, man, youre trying and its like shes just running off without seeing if youre still there. for a while there she seemed like there was something off about her, and then i hit the 'Bi-Polar' part. what sticks out to me the most is her already seemingly being poly without the base relationship working, which is dangerous to the relationship. plus the whole she wont give in to any of your demands, which is basically re: therapy: sure to fail. condolences.
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Therapy…did it work or make matters worse?
Me and my wife had our first marriage counseling session tonight and the after math is leaving a lot to be desired. As the session progressed my wife became angrier and angrier with her anger with me being barely contained in front of the therapist. Towards the end it felt like the therapist had helped defuse this anger and gave us ways to deal with it till our next session.
But that feeling only remained till we left the building. I attempted to touch her and she pulled away from me. She will not make eye contact or even look in my direction and has not spoken to me since we left.
I don’t know what to do and I am looking for places other than our bed to sleep tonight.
I am really worried about the state of our marriage and can we survive this. I love her so much but from what happened at the therapists I am really feeling like this is the end. She has so much pent up rage, resentment and hate towards me that it is literally eating her up.
To make matters worse I think it was how the therapist approached her that really has her set off. Her personal therapist has told her before in the past to divorce me and I got the impression that she was anticipating this therapist supporting her and justifying her anger towards me, that did not happen. By pure luck we got a therapist that knows and understands poly. As we talked about some of the things that have happened this last week my wife was not happy to hear that her way of starting a poly with me was not only wrong but a sure way for us to fail as a poly couple.
I knew that therapy would probably be hard but not in this way. I felt good about what we talked about and while it was hard at times the outcome made me feel like we could make this work. But her anger after the session completely ruined that feeling. I wanted so much afterwards to hug her and tell her how much I love her but she has erected this wall between us that I am afraid to touch.
I am hoping that if I give her some space that she will calm down and we can begin to talk again. The therapist talked about this during our time with her and I am going to give it a try.
We have a friend of hers supposed to come over for dinner tomorrow and I am now anxious about whether we should still have her come over. Because of work we will not have a chance to talk again till tomorrow night right before her friend is supposed to show up.
I feel like I have gone back in time to the day after she dropped her bombshell and I was certain that I had lost her. I am going to give her as much space I can while still letting her know that I love her. Only time will tell if that will be enough.
Post reblogged from Imitation is Suicide with 189 notes
A perfect relationship isn’t ever actually perfect,
it’s just one where both people never give up.
Source: theskullcandiii
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Boundaries
One of the items my wife has brought up from day one when she hit me with the bombshell was that there would be boundaries.
She has repeatedly brought this up in almost all of our conversations. She felt the need to begin to establish them now, in order to move forward into this lifestyle. She said the need to establish them would help me feel more comfortable with the transition.
The problem I had was I am not ready to establish boundaries yet. In my mind if we began making and agreeing on them then it was also giving my tactile approval for moving forward to an active poly relationship, which at this time I am not ready for.
As fate would have it, the need for boundaries and the setting of them came to a head last week with her accelerated relationship with her friend. Because of the high volume of texts between them at all hours of the day we had to establish our first boundary. While she is home with me then she is not texting with him.
We both can live with that boundary and accept that while she is away from home she will be spending a lot of time on the phone with him. The problem that I am having now is that her texting has gone from him being a supportive friend who she is interested in to highly charged and explicit sexual flirtation and sexting that is making her not only feel extremely desirable right now but also in serious need of a sexual outlet.
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I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you
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Trust
The last two days have been so hard.
When my wife of 11 years first came to me about her desire to open up our marriage I asked her if she had already had someone lined up to be her new partner. She told me that no she did not have someone lined up but when I discovered his name in her phone she said that they were just friends, and while he was poly he did not know of her desire to be poly with him. That he was just helping her with advice and support.
Then he just dropped out of sight. Stopped talking to her. Stopped texting her. She felt that he had bailed on her when she needed him the most and she became depressed. This added to our problems making it even harder to talk about our marriage without fighting.
Last weekend me and the wife spent hours alone talking about our feelings and opening up to each other is ways we have never done before. I really thought we were making progress forward.
I wanted her to know that I was making a serious effort to understand poly and reach a point that in the future I am comfortable with this lifestyle. That is had only been a week since she had dropped her bombshell and I needed time and patience from her.
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